“It would be better for me without children”

Children are happiness. Or fatigue, irritation, sleepless nights and constant lack of money? Bruck Lark blogger, diluted mother of four children, tells her history of motherhood.

It’s time to openly tell what motherhood is. Back in 1975, a year before my birth, Columonist Ann Landers asked readers the question: “If you could return to the past, you would give birth to children?”10 thousand parents sent her


answers on mail cards. 70% said that children should not be started.

I stumbled upon an old newspaper clipping 23 years later. At that time I was a happy mother of two children and was pregnant with unplanned twins. I was a God -fearing Mormon and believed that my highest mission was to give birth to children. And I did it well. My first years of motherhood were filled with deep meaning, because I believed that I was doing a charitable work. I enjoyed every moment.

I wrote Landers an angry letter of which I accused her and readers of selfishness. I reminded her that the world can be truly perfect when you hold in the arms of a sleeping baby, sweetly smelling of milk. I sobbed when I wrote about this, and was ready to tear to tear apart anyone who denies the miracle of motherhood. 12 years later, I turned into a tortured divorced mother of four teenagers and the only breadwinner of the family. And I printed in the browser: “I dream that I have no children”.

I wanted Google to help me find other mothers who felt the same who suddenly woke up when they were good for thirty, and dared to print the proposal “I dream that I have no children”. For a long time Google was my crystal ball. I consulted with him in difficult situations: “Do I have melanoma? Do I have Alzheimer? Do I need to get divorced?”

Part of me understood that regrets that I have children were the consequences of a personal life that went somersault. I began to live in one world where mothers are sitting at home, giving birth to many children, do not think about a career and rely on my husband in everything. But after the divorce, everything turned upside down: I ended up in a world where women work and provide a family, even if they are not ready for this, they have no education, but there is only a minus on a bank account.

Today I am one of many single mothers in Utah. All these women tried to live as religion tells, got married too early, gave birth to too many children (one of my girlfriends of their nine), did not receive education, and now they were faced with brutal reality.

Motherhood is a heavy burden, and because of the divorce, I felt this severity fully. I was still lucky. I became a successful entrepreneur, I work remotely, and everything was somehow settled. But this is not what I expected from motherhood.

“How to protect children from Father-Haro?”

Divorced 2 years ago, after the divorce lived together. But this winter I found out that the ex -husband began to inject, and we finally parted. It would seem that everything was fine, and it turned out that he continues to use with a woman who lives in a neighboring apartment. Her ex -husband is constantly with her, and I know well what way she leads. I can’t imagine how to explain to him that I will no longer let the children to him. Or the Council of the Psychologist will not help and it is better to contact the authorities?

Margarita, 34 years old

Margarita, if your ex -husband is a heroin addict, it will be very reasonable to protect children from communicating with him.

You do not write how many children are years old, whether they themselves want to communicate with their father, whether he shows a desire to participate in their life and upbringing, whether they have close relationships. It is also important to understand in what relations you are with him, whether he is ready to go on a dialogue with you, to understand what is better for children. How long and tightly he uses whether the decay of personality has gone. It is impossible without knowledge of all these details to even try to guess how your ex -husband will react to such a conversation. You write about the woman with whom he lives, and about her behavior, but not about his.

As a mother, you must protect children from possible danger and pernicious influence even a second parent. But if your ex -husband is always sober with children in a clear consciousness, if he is involved in games and conversations with them, if he does not have a change in personality and he is not dangerous, you should not deprive children of communication with his father.

Try to convey to your ex-husband for your part that you are worried about the children in this situation, that you do not want to impose any restrictions on communication, but are forced to do it because he uses. Talk only about children, without a transition to personality, condemnation of his lifestyle and, moreover, his personal choice.

He is your ex -husband and can live with anyone, even with you with the most unpleasant woman in the world, this does not apply to the matter. If he is capable of a dialogue, it should start with this. Perhaps he is so valuable for children that the prospect of losing communication with them will make him change. If the case is running, you will have to act through the court. To do this, you need to consult a family law lawyer.

The situation in which you found yourself is very painful, you are forced to go to extreme measures for the well -being of the children, and perhaps the children themselves will not be delighted with your decision, but you understand that you are right, and this will give you strength to thosemoments when it will be completely hard.

No matter how your problem is resolved, do not go with your ex -husband to an open conflict. If he does not just use occasionally, but an already dependent person, it By this link is dangerous for you and for children. Think a few steps forward, carefully weigh all the arguments, do not provoke it. Remember that your children, most likely, will only have a mother.

How to overcome the fear of change

We all prefer stability. The established traditions, rules and procedures allow both individuals and entire groups and organizations to work stably and effectively. But what if the changes are inevitable? How to learn how to overcome them and stop being afraid?

We are all afraid of change. Why? The usual and unchanged order of things reduces our stress level, creates a sense of control and predictability. Large -scale changes, even pleasant, always violate the established order. Changes are often associated with uncertainty and ambiguity, so much of what we have long been accustomed to be inadequate new conditions. Because of this, we can feel that our

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soil goes from under the feet, which, in turn, can cause anxiety (especially in people predisposed to this).

When anxiety becomes a constant part of life, She jeopardizes our performance and well -being. You can not always completely get rid of anxiety, but you can learn to control it. The better we can tolerate ambiguity and uncertainty, the less we are subject to stress.

Here are a few skills that will help to cope with fears.

1. Learn patience

To adapt to changes, you need to learn to endure uncertainty.

Sports, breathing exercises and meditation help to cope with symptoms of anxiety and stress, however, in order to eliminate the deep cause of these symptoms, you need to learn to better endure the state of uncertainty. As studies show, people who tolerate uncertainty well, are less subject to stress, think more clearly and, in general, more prosperous.

2. Focus on the result

Try to concentrate only on the most likely results of the changes taking place, instead of pondering everything that can happen in theory. Do not “hide” on the worst options for the development of events and extremely unlikely disasters

3. Take responsibility

People who know how to endure change, They share what depends on them (and do what is necessary in connection with this), and the fact that they do not control (they do not worry about this). They are ready to act as it seems correct to them without complete information. Therefore, they almost never feel paralyzed during periods of change.