“It would be better for me without children”

Children are happiness. Or fatigue, irritation, sleepless nights and constant lack of money? Bruck Lark blogger, diluted mother of four children, tells her history of motherhood.

It’s time to openly tell what motherhood is. Back in 1975, a year before my birth, Columonist Ann Landers asked readers the question: “If you could return to the past, you would give birth to children?”10 thousand parents sent her


answers on mail cards. 70% said that children should not be started.

I stumbled upon an old newspaper clipping 23 years later. At that time I was a happy mother of two children and was pregnant with unplanned twins. I was a God -fearing Mormon and believed that my highest mission was to give birth to children. And I did it well. My first years of motherhood were filled with deep meaning, because I believed that I was doing a charitable work. I enjoyed every moment.

I wrote Landers an angry letter of which I accused her and readers of selfishness. I reminded her that the world can be truly perfect when you hold in the arms of a sleeping baby, sweetly smelling of milk. I sobbed when I wrote about this, and was ready to tear to tear apart anyone who denies the miracle of motherhood. 12 years later, I turned into a tortured divorced mother of four teenagers and the only breadwinner of the family. And I printed in the browser: “I dream that I have no children”.

I wanted Google to help me find other mothers who felt the same who suddenly woke up when they were good for thirty, and dared to print the proposal “I dream that I have no children”. For a long time Google was my crystal ball. I consulted with him in difficult situations: “Do I have melanoma? Do I have Alzheimer? Do I need to get divorced?”

Part of me understood that regrets that I have children were the consequences of a personal life that went somersault. I began to live in one world where mothers are sitting at home, giving birth to many children, do not think about a career and rely on my husband in everything. But after the divorce, everything turned upside down: I ended up in a world where women work and provide a family, even if they are not ready for this, they have no education, but there is only a minus on a bank account.

Today I am one of many single mothers in Utah. All these women tried to live as religion tells, got married too early, gave birth to too many children (one of my girlfriends of their nine), did not receive education, and now they were faced with brutal reality.

Motherhood is a heavy burden, and because of the divorce, I felt this severity fully. I was still lucky. I became a successful entrepreneur, I work remotely, and everything was somehow settled. But this is not what I expected from motherhood.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *